I was FATPHOBIC
I have always been scared of getting fat. Only in the year of 2019, I finally learnt the painful lesson of distorted body image issues.
In my entire life, when I lost weight, everyone complimented my weight loss. I felt so proud of my achievement. In 2013, I lost so much weight that every piece of clothing that I had became oversized. Around October that year, I had to take a break from my workout because of a knee injury. I was told to rest my knee and I was really scared of gaining weight during this time. In order to prevent myself from gaining weight, I controlled my food intake. Severely cutting my calories intake made me lose significant weight in less than 2 months.
I remembered that because of my fear of gaining weight and afraid that people will make fun of me for my weight gain, I continued to control my food intake. As soon as my knee got better, I was back running again. For many years, I stereotyped being fat as lazy, shameful and disgusting.
For many years, I continued to control my weight for the fear of getting fat by:
Not having dinners at least 4 times a week
Intense cardio exercise for the sake of burning calories
Never finishing my meals if I had to eat
Skipping dinners so that I can save my calories for alcohol
It was not easy to maintain such a lifestyle because you get cranky, moodswings, fall sick all very easily. However, I thought that it was all worth it because having a lower weight means being pretty. My weight fluctuated quite a bit during the years between 2013 to 2017; if I “felt" fat, I’d immediately increase my workout and reduce my food intake. It was a very normal process that I go through for the next 4 years. I will never know the impact of being fatphobic till many years later.
Are you surprised that in order to maintain my weight I had to take up drastic measures? Have you ever deliberately controlled your weight? Skipping meals to save on calories? Feeling stressed by constantly worrying whether you’ll gain weight? Share your experience with me by commenting or sending me an email! I’d really like to hear from you.