Getting Help - Part 2

Hey everyone! What a week it has been. My laptop completely died because I spilled water on it. Because of that I apologize for my late newsletter post this week.

My first few trips to SG going through recovery

Following my journey last week, you would know that I was fortunate enough to meet my nutrition and fitness coach. I first started my consultation end of June 2019. Between June 2019 to October 2019, I started eating and weight lifting according to a prescribed program. During this time, I didn’t lose any weight but instead put on more weight. All of my body measurements increased (thighs, arms, waist, neck).

You can zoom in but this was a measurement done between Week 1 till Week 22. I completely ditched the scales and measurements after 21 weeks (roughly 6 months).

My first trip with my fam during recovery. Still controlling what I eat; but definitely eating more.

Was still working out religiously.

I learned that my body was still constantly tired until October 2019. I was lethargic, unmotivated to work out and just didn’t really enjoy lifting 5 times a week. That made me ditch all workouts starting November to December 2019.

My first solo trip to Bali — ate what I wanted all the time!

One of the worst effects — bloating. 🥲

In early November 2019, I also enrolled myself into a 2-week long meditation course. This course was focused on cultivating inner energy (the Chinese calls it Qi) so all kinds of strenuous activities were avoided. Meditation helped me to feel more relaxed because I am generally an anxious person.

And my skin condition.. was at the worst in Dec 2019.

In between these two months, it was hard to not work out at all. I was so conditioned to “punishing myself” when it comes to working out. I felt guilty, disappointed and upset at myself for not being able to workout. Thankfully, meditation really helped to ease through this tough times.

In the beginning of my health program, my calories were increased very slowly. I was so afraid of food, afraid of eating more calories than I was “used to”. I just remembered being VERY hungry and wanting to eat a lot of food. To add on, the process of increasing my calories was so slow that I became very impatient. My sister showed me a video of Stephanie Buttermore’s all-in process. I was fascinated by how she allowed herself to eat as much as calories as she possibly can. She also talked about how that was the fastest way to feel satiety (fullness). After consuming her videos, reading on the scientific journals, and the different treatment options for eating disorder patients, I consulted with Nick on this. There were 2 options:

• Increase the calories slowly so the body would not be “shocked” and weight gain is delayed. Typically a treatment with longer time.

• Increase the calories immediately and experience weight gain head-on. Shorter treatment than above option, but weight gain will be very significant

There are no good or bad options; every option has a consequence. At this point, I was so tired of fearing food and decided that if weight gain helped to restore my health; then I should take it. Life is really to short to be skinny but sick.

My first holiday with complete food and fitness freedom.

I gained I think a total of 20+kg since 2018. I was fat but I was happy. I was still the same person despite how I looked. My friends and families still loved me.

Immediately, this granted me complete freedom because the outcome was no longer fixated on looking a certain way. I started eating a lot and no longer worked out. Was I skeptical of the process? Definitely! But watching resources like Stephanie Buttermore and other like-minded individuals helped.

This was the first time in my life I allowed myself to eat and rest as and whenever I wanted. I have gained more than 20kg since 2018, and I cannot even fit into my old clothes anymore. I remembered going out to buy new pair of jeans and oversized shirts to get through my recovery. I also got rid of all my clothes which I thought I would “wear when I am skinny”.

By the end of 2019, I was fat but I gained confidence from it. I used to think no one would like me if I got fatter but I still went on dates with boys, went on trips and had a great time. Life doesn’t stop if you gained some weight. There is no reason to fear weight gain.

I remembered a sense of optimism leaving 2019 and entering 2020. In my next post, I’ll start talking about how my food and fitness habits changed last year. If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share with your friends going through any types of body image issues or disordered eating patterns.

See you next week!