My crazy resolution

The start of my eating & exercise disorder

It’s almost the end of the year and like the rest of the world, many people are setting their new year resolutions. Setting resolutions remind me of the end of 2017. There were so many things that happened in 2017 — I came out of an extremely long relationship and was considering a shift in my career. What better way to start 2018 than to transform myself into a “powerful” woman — one who can achieve everything with her own ability.

Part of these resolutions included a workout regime that will make me leaner, stronger, more capable and more determined. There is nothing wrong with that, right? Who doesn’t want to be stronger, more capable and more successful? Who doesn’t want to look lean and fit? The problem was this was how I imagined fit and lean to be:

Credit to Amanda Bisk

Little did I know that the body Amanda Bisk has is very much due to her GENETICS and years of ATHLETICISM. Even if I worked out the way she did, I probably still won’t look like her!

This is a long story on what led to my disordered eating and compulsive exercise behavior. Hence, the story will be broken down into different parts. Welcome to Part 1 (March to June 2018).

A little before I started the "extreme” workout program - I thought I wasn’t skinny enough in this picture

Still in March - I was starting to gain weight because of socializing nights with dinners

In February 2018, I went to a fitness coach and told him I wanted to become lean and strong, just like Amanda Bisk. Without any nutrition or workout knowledge, I started on a 12-week workout program immediately. I was told to finish that program down to every details. Even on days I was tired, I should push through and finish up the program. These words were constantly repeated to me: A warrior does not quit. If you want to succeed in life, you have to push through your mental barrier and go through the tough situations. Looking back, that was SO SILLY. How could you not rest when you’re tired?

By the end of March, I had bulked up very significant. This was only 3 weeks of lifting and eating more. I was so shocked by the changes.

My workout program was a very intense one. I was spending about 2-3 hours working out each day, followed by a full work schedule while trying to maintain a social life (I just came off a relationship, so of course I wanted to spend time with my friends and meet new people). There are also no off days when I had to travel. I remembered having to travel to my father’s hometown, Rantau Prapat - a small town in North Sumatra province and I was so desperate to find a gym so that I wouldn’t miss my workout.

By the end of March.. I was also obsessed with whether I finished my workout on that day or not. I often felt like a failure if I didn’t do as much as I think I should.

On the nutrition side, I was told to eat “clean”. This diet made me feel constantly hungry. I was always hungry and tired. Even while trying my best to control my food intake, I was unable to stay off the alcohol because I wanted to socialize. I came up with ways of not eating for the sake of drinking alcohol.

Photos between March to May 2018. You can see VERY significant changes in a short amount of time. I was constantly tired, sweaty and just.. guilty of living.

After hanging out with my friends, I’d come home to have bingeing episodes. I would eat up everything that was available in my fridge — chocolate, candies, bread, anything that was not “clean”. I would feel guilty afterwards, puke out the food I binged, wake up the next day to do another 2-3 hours at the gym. This continued on for as long as I can remember.

Sometime in April 2018 — significant changes in my body. I was always “not eating” but “working out”. Behind that were binge episodes. 5454

During this period of time, my mind and body changed drastically. My clothes no longer fit me, and I was always breaking out in sweat. I was constantly tired, unfocused and hungry. I started having acne breakouts especially on my chest. I didn’t know how to process all of these changes but I felt ashamed and disappointed at myself.

By Mid June 2018 - you could tell that I was already facing a significant change in how I look. I was working out, eating “clean” but kept putting on the weight.

My diet and exercise regime was around how much of a failure I would be if I couldn’t follow the plan. Between the months of March to June 2018, a pattern of obsession started forming. I would wake up every single day to find myself worrying about whether I’d get my workout in, worrying about the binges I would have, worried about people finding out. I didn’t even realized a problem was brewing! This is how so many of such behaviors go undiscovered. In the next part of my story, I’ll describe how it can snowball into bigger problems.

In the meantime, have you personally set resolutions that you regret? I definitely felt that if I didn’t set this “lean” resolution in 2017, I might have not gone through this journey in 2018. Are resolutions really everything? Share it with me!