Signs of Insecurities
+ Secret Meetup #2
Hey everyone! How’s everyone doing? Can you believe that December is just around the corner? I can’t believe how time flies. Writing these emails required me to go back in time to my university days (that’s about 7/8 years ago) and it got me really thinking about how in a blink of an eye, a decade has passed.
When I was in university, I struggled a lot with dieting and my body size. All of these affected my confidence, especially in romantic relationships. I never realized until I look back that my insecurities come out the most in romantic relationships. In my second year of university (around 2012), I came off a long distance relationship with a guy that I dated since I was 18. That was my first breakup, and I didn’t really know how to cope with it. At that time, I also felt extremely insecure with how I look - because I never thought that I was pretty. I just felt different and bigger than most girls around me. I always thought that being accepted means I had to be the “cool” kid — the one who does well in school, owns luxury and branded items, and can drink a lot. I remember thinking, “I could compensate for not looking pretty!”. During this time, I partied a lot and of course, wasn’t eating that much (because who had time to eat?). Being skinny was also one of the things I thought would attract other boys (how silly..).
Little did I know that my insecurities only helped attract boys who were toxic. I ended up being in relationships that was terrible for my mental health. I dated a guy who took all of my money and didn’t even realize that was NOT OKAY. In 2013, I met another boy who was very different from the other boys I dated.
Insecurities really set you up for failure, because it even distorts your perspective even if you met someone nice. I was always afraid that the other person will not find me pretty enough and would leave because of that. I can’t change how my face looks but I could definitely change my body. This was the time I started distorting my idea of food, so that I could be “skinnier”.
Over the years of 2012 to 2013, I lost more weight. This weight loss was a result of many things. A knee injury that stopped me from being able to run for about 6-7 months, fear of getting fat and not being accepted by the people around me, fear of not being enough for people. As a result, I controlled my food portions a lot. I don’t remember eating much white rice, snacking, or ever feeling super full. Once in a while (usually once a month), I’ll eat a lot and the very next day return back to my restrictive eating.
More people commented on my weight loss, and told me how good I looked. My old clothes started becoming too big for me so I had to buy new clothes. I started discovering make up. I started wearing heels. I became “pretty” and “confident”. I was really proud of how I started to look. All of this would not have been possible without my weight loss.
Our society puts a great deal on how we look. It’s natural that you feel you have to look a certain way; skinny, polished, and perfect all the time. In my next newsletter, I’ll talk about how problematic it is to draw your self-love and confidence from your physical appearance. If you’ve enjoyed this post, please help to spread the word, whether it’s through a screen capture and posting it on your Instagram story or telling your friends to sign up.
Btw, I am opening 5 more slots for our next Secret Community Meetup. Secret meetup is limited only to subscribers. To sign up, you can fill up a form here. Community gatherings are great because we get to connect with like-minded people who wants a safe space to share their stories. Sign up ASAP!