If I could reset time..
If I could reset time..
Happy new year! How was your new year celebration? Despite the pandemic still happening, I hope you guys were able to spend the last few days of 2020 and the first few days of 2021 resting and rejuvenating yourself!
Following my last post that talks about the compounded effects of being obsessed with eating clean and working out. Prior to my recovery, I always believed that “moving more, eating less” was a good way to shed extra kilos. If I wasn’t able to move move, then I should eat lesser. I later learnt that this was just a type of way to create calorie deficits. What are calorie deficits? A calorie deficit occurs when you consume fewer calories than your body uses. You can do it through a LOT of ways. You can work out more, you can eat lesser, you can build muscles so that your resting metabolic rate is much higher. However, excessive calorie deficits can create major problems that is closely related to our physical and mental health. Why did I still believe in “moving more, eating less” then? It was because it worked super well for me in 2013. I lost such significant amount of weight that I believed this method should work forever.
During the months of August 2018 to January 2019, I wanted to lose the weight (muscles and fat) so badly that I started working out MORE and eating lesser. I placed weight loss as my priority in life, so everything in my life revolved around being able to "move more” and “eat lesser”.
I didn’t allow myself to drink any other kind of sugared beverages — only black coffee, tea without sugar, no juices. I didn’t allow myself to eat any fruits because they contained sugar. No bread, cakes, or any types of biscuits, because they were not “healthy’ carbs. I had so many food rules like:
No eating before my morning workout or after 6pm
Low carbs food only which means no rice, bread, cakes, ice-cream. The vegetables and fruits I ate had to be low-carbs too.. which means only leafy vegetables like lettuce and spinach was allowed. Fruits like banana, apple, mangoes were out of the question
Everything had to be low in calories which means you’re OK drinking diet coke because it had 0 calories. If you ate an egg, it has to be boiled and the yolk should not be eaten (because it is high in fat)
Better to bring your own food because eating out was just not a smart option
As for moving more, it is quite impossible to spend the whole day working out as I had a full-time job then. Hence, there were limitations to how many hours I could work out. A typical Monday to Friday workout would start from 5.30am and ended at 7.45am. On Saturdays and Sundays, I could workout a lot more since I didn’t need to go to work. These workouts can last about 3 to 3.5 hours long. I added more into my workout; like extra jump ropes, extra handstands, extra push ups, extra runs.
In December 2018, I went on holiday with my family to Japan for 2 weeks. I was a bit worried because I was no longer able to “eat clean” or “workout” during my holiday. I was scared of gaining back the weight I lost over 3 months. During my holiday, I still restricted and controlled my food portions.
I only stayed at hotels that had access to gyms just so that I wouldn’t miss out on my workouts. However, days before the trip, I started feeling unwell and went to the doctor who later gave me medicine including antibiotics. I was told to rest up during my trip. I was really sad because that would disrupt my workout routine that I had plan. A week into my trip, I got better and the first thing I did was to hit the gym.
What were the impacts of severe restriction of food and obsession with working out? You end up being constantly anxious about eating and not working out. You worry all the time if you don’t have access to “clean” and “healthy” food. You worry if you have enough time during your holiday to work out. It wasn’t about spending quality time with your family, exploring the destination’s culture and food, exploring the different areas you’ve never been in. It was only about maintaining your weight loss through eating clean and working out constantly. It was a really sad way to live life. You feel sad about the food you can’t eat, you feel sad about gaining weight. You prioritize your weight loss over real life.
If I could reset time, I would want to tell my old self that not worrying about eating and working out is NORMAL. Enjoying yourself and having no rules during a holiday or any time of the year is normal. I didn’t have to prioritize weight loss because my body was perfectly fine. I didn’t have to prioritize working out because I was sick. There are so many things I’d tell my old self.
As we enter 2021, my hope for all of you subscribed to this newsletter is to make you aware that these behaviors are not NORMAL. They are disguised as “healthy”, they make people think that “you’re disciplined”, “you have self control” and it is so easy for anyone to hide unhealthy behaviors. I lived a life that was highly applauded because I was so motivated and disciplined about my food and exercise. I wan’t fat so no one suspected that I was developing an eating disorder. It was that easy to hide my unhealthy mindset towards food and exercise.
I hope that 2021 will be the year you decide to become aware and make conscious changes towards any behavior that doesn’t serve you. I hope that this is the year you admit that there is some issues that you have to address in order to cultivate self love for yourself. With that, I am opening up my 1-on-1 coaching sessions for the first quarter of 2021. Coaching sessions cover cultivating mindfulness and self love. They are HIGHLY personalized to your own needs. If you’d like to learn more about these sessions, send me an email at hello@cathhalim.com or click on the button below:
If anything, please help to share the knowledge and information you’ve received by telling your friends about this newsletter. Next week, I’ll cover more about diets that can easily be disguised as disordered eating behavior. Have a great week ahead!